I am sitting at my desk, I am still, but my heart feels like I am going a hundred miles an hour. I can almost see the world buzzing past me. I have a residual headache that leaves me feeling almost dizzy. Again, there is a blurriness as of everything around me is speeding by. I wonder if this is what my grandma felt like when she had her nervous breakdown????
Did she feel like she was standing still but drowning at the same time? Did she feel like no matter how fast she moved her feet that her target was moving farther away? Did she feel like turning in circles to try and catch up with all that had to be done, all that was required, all that was being asked of her?
I don't like this feeling. I didn't wake up this way. I woke up at peace, a slight residual headache but spent time reading God's word. I started on our weekly study--this week the subject is the doldrums. What a funny word--doldrum. I read the first page and thought "what?" I looked the word up for a definition. In language doldrums means "being in a state of listlessness, despondency, inactivity, stagnation, or a slump". Our key verse came from Isaiah and I couldn't relate the verse to the study. I completed the first half of the study and then opened my Bible to just read. Funny but God opened it to the chapter of the key verse. So I read. I read that chapter and the next and the next. And He spoke to me. He said to me that as Christians we can be in the doldrums in our walk with Him. We become stagnate, we go through the motions. Sunday School, worship service, Sunday night Service, Wednesday night service and we start over. We pray every day, we lift up those in need, we read His word, we move our feet but not our hearts. He brought me back to a verse from our study where Paul talks about the church not growing but being as infants still needing milk when they should be teaching. They became stagnant, they need to start over at the very beginning. They needed and I need to have that heart to heart that leads to a "new relationship" with Him. I need to go back to being an infant and relying on Him for my "milk", my sustenance.
I prayed, I thanked Him for my blessings, I asked to be a blessing and I came to work at peace. And five minutes in, my heart began racing and the world started sprinting while I was sitting at my desk.
So, here I am at work. I am typing on my blog, I am listenting to some Jim Brickman and I am zoning everything around me out to focus. Focus on Him. Focus on the blessings of job, needs that are met, a boss that says "just sit at your desk for minute and relax", focus on the fact that God never walks away, focus on just being.