Wednesday, November 18, 2009

She has passed....

This morning my mother-in-law, Margaret Budd, passed away. She was a fighter. A strong-willed, stubborn lady who loved her family and her husband. Beneath that tough outside layer was a heart...a heart that loved, a heart that could hurt, a heart that ached for her departed husband, a heart that rejoiced with each grandchild and great-granchild.

I met Margie around 1993 or 1994. She was still living in Union then in the house that she and Ralph had finished raising her two sons in. The house were she spent the final years with Ralph. She was no nonsense---things were the way they were and you just had to accept it. I remember when her dog Buttons passed away. It was winter and the ground was frozen so no one could bury him. So she put Buttons in a turkey roaster and set the roaster on the back porch until the ground thawed enough. As she put it "the roaster had holes in it anyway so I found a use for it and it was cold enough on the back porch". No nonsense.

I was there when the family moved her from Union to Hillsboro. A sad but happy time for her. Saddness in that she was leaving behind a house full of memories and happiness that she was going to be close to her great grandchildren. As we packed up boxes, she would tell me the stories associated with a picture, a knick-knack, a piece of furniture or even a room.

It was while in Hillsboro that she took the fall that would eventually lead to her diagnosis and eventually bring her to mine and Jeff's house. I had the privilege of caring for her for over a year. Prior to that, I would drive up on a Friday or Saturday night. I would spend the night with her, we would watch movies, I took her out to breakfast and we ran errands. I smile remembering how she would always order either pancackes or waffles. Even when she was in the hospital, if I took her a pancacke she would immediately feel better. During those weekends, we would talk. She talked to me about growing up in the Depression, about caring for her sister Marilyn, about how she met Ralph, about her love for Ralph. With each conversation, my love and respect for her grew.

When we moved her in with us, I learned even more about her and I sadly watched her health decline. As her health declined though her mind stayed sharp. We would still have great conversations about her past, about things that happened in the Bible, we would sing together and we would do crossword puzzles together. I never even thought of doing a crossword until Margie moved in and now I'm addicted :>)

I will miss her because I loved her. Because I love her, I am happy that she is finally at peace and with her one true love. Thank you Margie for the life lessons that you have taught me. Thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for the son that you gave to me as my husband. Thank you for being you.

Is that what I am????

Peaceful....that is how my friend Lisa described me in a comment. Is that what I am?? I hope so. It's what I have strived for as long as I can remember. A peaceful home, a peaceful disposition. I don't like drama, cannot stand confrontation and loud arguments make me nauseous.

Why is this??? If someone were analyzing me they would probably say "it stems from something in your childhood" (said with a deep voice, not sure why but that's how I hear it my head). Maybe it does. I remember my parents arguing when I was little, I remember one instance where my dad threw a rolled up magazine or newspaper or something at my mom. I remember being put in the car and going to grandma's. Are these realy memories though???? Or are they exaggerations of an event or events that happened?

Whatever they are, they in no way change the way I feel about both my parents. I love them both dearly. I am grateful for their guidance and love as I grew up. Does dad still have a temper? Sure but it's seems differnt now, more muted. Again maybe it's because I'm no longer there 24 hours a day. I see that same temper, that same spirit rise up in me at times and I have to claim the blood of Jesus to keep it in check.

My mom is crier and I inherited that from her. We don't confront, we don't rock the boat, we just swallow it (whatever it may be at the time) until we explode in this fountain of tears that result from frustration, hurt and anger.

So back to peace. Peace to me equals quiet. A quiet, restful spirit. A place where one can rest (whether that is physically, mentally or emotionally). A place to recharge.

So Lisa, my dear friend, thank you for the compliment. I hope that I can continue to be that peaceful person to you. I love you, your love of life, your love of family, your love of God. Thank you for making me a part of your world.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Monday Mayhem

So it's Monday and I thought I would recap the last week. Thus, Monday Mayhem is born. And yes, this is post number two for today. I am much calmer now :>)

Hours Worked Last Week: 67.5

Activities Other Than Work: Thursday night I helped Lisa with the triplets. LOVE those babies!!!! Ms. Lynn joined us and since it was also Ladies Prayer night, the three of us had our own Ladies Prayer after we had the triplets to sleep. Then Ms. Lynn and I went to AppleBee's for an appetizer and some great conversation.

Friday morning was Bible Study which is always great. It was much need girl and God time.

Saturday evening I stoppped by the Philipps for Carson's birthday party. I brought Hannah (their dog) home with me for a sleep over.

What I Am Reading: I just finished "The Crowning Glory of Calla Lilly Ponder" by the author of the Ya Ya SisterHood. I LOVED this book. In fact, I now want my own copy. It's the first book I have read in a while that actually brought my tears to my eyes.

And that was my week in a nut shell. Exciting Huh????

Is this what it felt like.....

I am sitting at my desk, I am still, but my heart feels like I am going a hundred miles an hour. I can almost see the world buzzing past me. I have a residual headache that leaves me feeling almost dizzy. Again, there is a blurriness as of everything around me is speeding by. I wonder if this is what my grandma felt like when she had her nervous breakdown????

Did she feel like she was standing still but drowning at the same time? Did she feel like no matter how fast she moved her feet that her target was moving farther away? Did she feel like turning in circles to try and catch up with all that had to be done, all that was required, all that was being asked of her?

I don't like this feeling. I didn't wake up this way. I woke up at peace, a slight residual headache but spent time reading God's word. I started on our weekly study--this week the subject is the doldrums. What a funny word--doldrum. I read the first page and thought "what?" I looked the word up for a definition. In language doldrums means "being in a state of listlessness, despondency, inactivity, stagnation, or a slump". Our key verse came from Isaiah and I couldn't relate the verse to the study. I completed the first half of the study and then opened my Bible to just read. Funny but God opened it to the chapter of the key verse. So I read. I read that chapter and the next and the next. And He spoke to me. He said to me that as Christians we can be in the doldrums in our walk with Him. We become stagnate, we go through the motions. Sunday School, worship service, Sunday night Service, Wednesday night service and we start over. We pray every day, we lift up those in need, we read His word, we move our feet but not our hearts. He brought me back to a verse from our study where Paul talks about the church not growing but being as infants still needing milk when they should be teaching. They became stagnant, they need to start over at the very beginning. They needed and I need to have that heart to heart that leads to a "new relationship" with Him. I need to go back to being an infant and relying on Him for my "milk", my sustenance.

I prayed, I thanked Him for my blessings, I asked to be a blessing and I came to work at peace. And five minutes in, my heart began racing and the world started sprinting while I was sitting at my desk.

So, here I am at work. I am typing on my blog, I am listenting to some Jim Brickman and I am zoning everything around me out to focus. Focus on Him. Focus on the blessings of job, needs that are met, a boss that says "just sit at your desk for minute and relax", focus on the fact that God never walks away, focus on just being.